Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
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Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Me recordaron éste meme
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.