Does beer think about me too?
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I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner