your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
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Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Hamburger Hinderer.