me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
You Might Also Like
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
choose your fighter
These 3D printers are insane!
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.