I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
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when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.