[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
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Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
canadian assassins are called killergrams
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
an airline just for babies.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.