[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
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My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!