Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
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me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I can’t stop watching this.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.