Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
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58.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Bootstraps
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.