he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
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My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
The Punning Dead.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster