This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
You Might Also Like
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late