saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
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I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
c’mon!
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?