Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
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[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Who chose this font
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
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Morningbreath
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Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller