5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
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Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.