I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
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cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I have so many questions.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.