Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
You Might Also Like
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
$4 #usedbooks
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Its a hippotatomus
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.