I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
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Can’t stop laughing
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?