I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
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“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
The glockness monster
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
seems fine
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero