The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
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kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
I have questions??
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds