Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
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*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.