Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
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Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.