When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
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If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”