The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
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*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
B
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Mad Max Arctic Road
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
I think this should do it.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Breaking news:
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”