F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
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Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.