[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
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team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
no
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made