Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
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“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Tastes like chicken.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Saturday
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.