Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
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*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
🛁
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move