Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
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People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean