Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
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“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Worst bar ever.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.