King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been