I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
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Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in