I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
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my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic