No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me