No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
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I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
For those that worship cheese..
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
It’s the weekend y’all
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.