Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
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Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
broke down and did it
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!