Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
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5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian