God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
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On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.