Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
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If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…