If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
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Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
had to share :’)
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
🙅🏻
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
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Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
the red hot silly peppers
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with