[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
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don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.