My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
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“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
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*puts phone down
*picks up phone
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*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
thank god the sign was there
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Where is your GOD now????