You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
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Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew