COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
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Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
pizza
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?