me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
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*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.