im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
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[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.