My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
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The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke