You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
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HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don鈥檛 think that will fit me.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
If it鈥檚 the thought that matters, I had a shower today 馃槈
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can鈥檛 even trust myself anymore.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There鈥檚 a lovely key change at the end.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who鈥檚 knitting.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I鈥檓 not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 馃檨
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It鈥檚 from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
So glad that Halloween isn鈥檛 on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
happy mother鈥檚 day鉂わ笍
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you鈥檝e been doing something?