ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
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i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner