Yup.
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me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.