Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
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ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Pizza is an emotion right?
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.